2022 was the year of manifestation. 

Suddenly, the idea of solving your problems and obtaining your dream life through manifestation seemed ubiquitous. My theory is everyone was itching for some type of transformative experience after being sequestered to our homes for almost two years thanks to the pandemic. Whatever it was, my FYP was flooded with videos on creating your “dream life.” Several of my friends started sharing their own manifestation rituals and I found myself scrambling to figure out my own approach to manifestation.

I ended up cobbling together a small vision board and updated my phone background to keep it ever present. I also befriended another woman who lived and breathed positive affirmations and manifestation rituals a la my FYP. Like, on the level of filling up her bedroom with affirming notes and leading our pre bar hopping mini rituals (because how else were we going to skip lines and get free drinks?).

To my surprise, I enjoyed myself! For the first half of the year everything fell into place almost word for word what I had written down as my “manifestation goals” for the year.

Major raise? Check 

Flourishing social life? Check and an unfortunate harsh reminder that drinking in my late 20s was a different beast compared to my early-mid 20s

Romantic life? Found myself dating a man I was head over heels with and saw myself dating long term (I eventually took off those rose-tinted glasses)

Taking new risks? Went to burning man for the first time and had the stereotypical ~transformative~ experience 

Traveling? Check, I did a cute little Euro trip towards the end of the year 

And it seemed so easy. All I had to do was write some goals on a piece of paper, say some affirmations, and everything would just fall into place. It worked so well that I was confident I would have no issues carrying out all the goals I had set for 2023. 

Looking back, there were some warning signs I was setting myself up for failure. I decided I would become a content creator/streamer one day out of the blue and set several lofty goals for my streaming career that was 100% going to kick off. My career goals were vague because I was not sold on my current job, and I set several other goals that I absolutely needed to complete by July because I couldn’t possibly enter a new decade without addressing all the lingering baggage of my 20s, right? 

So, with the guidance of my carefully curated FYP (carefully curated is a stretch, I feel like TikTok is always inundated with self improvement videos by late November) I started planning my manifestation strategy to achieve the life the internet claimed I deserved. 

One of my closest friends was not new to manifesting her dream life and she offered to become my accountability partner for 2023. This consisted of us setting small goals each month that were the building blocks to realizing our larger goals, and that the person who accomplished the most that month would receive $20 from the person who accomplished the least. At the time, it seemed like a foolproof way to focus on all the small things I needed to bring my vision board to life. 

Well, it was a complete shit show. Some highlights include: 

• Getting a compressed disk in my back, which meant I had to stop working out entirely and instead go to physical therapy twice a week. The lack of exercise only fueled my depression during the winter months, which threw off both my mental and physical goals 
• Started spending all my time developing friendships with other gamers via discord, which was amazing, but also gave me an excuse to become a recluse
• Said friend group ended up imploding about 2/3 into the year, and there is nothing worse than experiencing conflict with friends who were my mental roommates for the past eight months 
• Completely checked out of the goals process with my friend, as the idea of reporting to someone each month just made me miserable and seeing how I “failed” each month was doing more harm than good for my mental health 
• Continued to feel the stress of my job in a role that was chipping away my spirit
• Engaged in unhealthy behavior with partners that left me mentally drained and to be honest, gross 

It felt like I had taken a massive loan out the previous year for good vibes and was left paying an enormous and miserable debt the following year. And before I knew it, I broke down. The idea of manifesting left a terrible taste in my mouth, and I felt like an utter failure for not realizing a single thing on my vision board. I’m not sure why I didn’t have the same mental fortitude as I did in 2022 to overcome those periods of disappointment. Somehow, I had convinced myself that my inability to progress was proof that I had reached my peak and I would remain stagnant for the rest of my life.

I was experiencing one of the darkest depressive episodes I’ve had in almost a decade, but thankfully, I managed to scrap together enough energy to: 

• Go on medical leave at work for my mental health for the last part of the year
• Finally tackle cleaning that one closet which routinely gave me anxiety each time I opened it
• Slowly pick up working out again and improved my physical health

I told myself my only focus for 2024 would be keeping myself alive to enjoy all of the things to come in 2024–my best friend was getting married, I was taking multiple international trips, and I was itching to attend another burn. It’s now halfway through the year (yes, I’m just getting around to publishing this in October), and I’m not quite as confident as I was in 2022, but I’m definitely not experiencing the same lows I did in 2023. I did create a vision board for old times’ sake, but this time I did it for fun. There’s no 10-step plan for bringing each and every photo on my board to life, or strict monthly regiments to follow. Instead, my goals are based on how I would like to feel across the different areas of my life.

My goals are goals for myself, and myself only, and prioritizing my emotional and mental needs has helped me accomplish more than I could have imagined at this point of the year.

Which is why I am writing this blog post. I don’t know what my second try at content creation will look like, I just know that I want to create things that make me feel good.